It Ain't Me Babe

I in general will probably not too many "troubles of my life" kind of posts, but its the freshest thing in my head right now so bear with me.

Last night i got some news i have been afraid of for awhile. A girl i had liked and how had been a close friend of mine said she was not interested, and that basically we should not talk for awhile. The thing was we had gone on a date last week, even though she had never been particularly comfortable with the idea. The date itself, all things considered, was not too bad considering my lack of dating experience. But it was clear even at the time and certainly in hindsight that see was not interested. However, despite the obvious signs, my own greed and desperation meant I was determined to play my hand out to its losing end, hoping i hit on the river on long odds. 

She said the date itself was good, it was just that she didn't date friends and that i was not spiritually her equal/ was weak spiritually. I guess people can say worse about you, but the issue got me thinking about my faith and my friendship and many things. It made it clear that life is not a movie, no happy ending is required. In the moment of our life, we are so often unable to gain perspective of the truth, as our feelings cloud our perceptions and how we perceive others. It made me realize i know so little of romantic relationships and their intricacies. That my faith is weaker than i could have ever imagined, and my knowledge more shallow than i dare admit. In general I ate much humble pie, and i did not enjoy it one bit.

Beyond the rejection itself was the issue of how i moved on with my life. Last night i felt like renouncing God and throwing it all away to accept the cold and unforgiving void of space and time that seemed to dominant my thoughts in those moments. Parts of me wanted her to feel as I did, worthless and alone, unable to bridge the gap between themselves and the rest of humanity. Yet, I have not turned from God. I am unsure how to proceed, this person was in my aspects of my life the guidepost I used to judge my progress and to know how to proceed. Through them i allowed myself to take risks that i would have been too scared to do alone (Like dressing better or eating healthier). How I muster the courage now, through God or something else or not at all, remains to be seen.

In a practical sense, i should put aside romantic thoughts about woman from my thoughts as much as I can, since it just leads to more pain than anything, and until my social skills improve, trying to establish a relationship is likely a futile effort. As well, her assessment of my spirituality makes me wonder if i was ever really a Christian or just a boy with a crush. While I do not believe myself utterly faithless, its bad enough to wonder if I can ever be a "real" Christian, or just lazily intellectualize it. I feel like I'm an outsider to secularist who live without the restraint of Christian life, but that most Christians think i'm too secular or suspect because i haven't grown up in an evangelical setting and don't know the culture.  

On the other hand, perhaps this is what i need, less temptation and a greater focus on God and serving Him. I have never been good at being faithful emotionally and spiritually, i'm too cold and analytical usually, but maybe this time is different. A start would be to tell my parents, or my mom really, who is a Catholic and may feel i am betraying her. But i'm a fairly big coward so i don't expect to say anything. 

Finally, I basically lost one of my best friends. Mostly because of my actions. If I had continued with the cowardice I have displayed until the last little while then we would still be friends and we would be able to hang out and things would be better. Surely she would meet someone in the near future and left anyways, but I would have had a little longer. I know things happen as they do and not any other way, but its hard to accept that right now. The odds of finding that good of a friend, never mind a girlfriend, are quite small. But such is the way life goes.

In the end, I'll be fine. i will live my life, hopefully be better for it and maybe happiness exists for me somewhere. Until then I keep searching for apples of gold.